i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
