next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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