Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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