you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
soo... how was my night?
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