Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
