so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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