So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
