i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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