oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
