i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
