uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Welp...herpes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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