Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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