Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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