8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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