Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
