I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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