Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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