i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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