it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
