Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
