I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
