What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
