we have officially lost it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
