I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My life is pants optional.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
