Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
