So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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