She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
