My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
false alarm, still single
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
