If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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