My first STD was from a foam party
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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