So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
