i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
