I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
