He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
