I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
