i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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