The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
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Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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