I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
