bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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