I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
