He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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