Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I got inside last night via doggy door
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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