I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
