How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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