I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
