And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
