So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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