The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
