dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
