I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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