Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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