I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
