im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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