So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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